Last night I awoke to little chubby hands touching my face. When I opened my eyes, there stood my 5-yr-old, staring at me with a look of panic. Mom. Can I sleep with you? I have a scary feeling. I slid over to the middle of our bed and let him get under the quilt. Then, I wrapped my arm around him as he drifted back to sleep.
While this, definitely, isn’t the first time he’s crept into our bedroom for reassurance, this was the first time where HIS fear of the dark, led me to think about MY fears, the fears that have been plaguing me the last few months, as a Wife, a Mom, and a Blogger. The fear of admitting I, too, get those scary feelings. I, too, experience anxiety in my heart.
My fear is that if I write about it, here, some might call me weird and some might think I’m incompetent, but here’s the truth.
There it is. I understand that EVERYONE, at some point, suffers from anxiety. I get it, but for me I can ACTUALLY feel it build up in my chest and, when I’m carrying too much on my shoulders, it explodes and covers my entire body, in a panic attack.
I remember sitting on the bed a few weeks ago and just crying my little eyes out. My husband walked in asking me what was wrong and I started blurting out what I need to get done, what hasn’t been done, what’s on the schedule to be done, and my inability to do any of it.
- The hours in the day are too short.
- The days in the week diminish quickly.
- The months in the year move swift.
On a press trip in Santa Monica last weekend, I sat next to one of my favorite people in the blogging world. I won’t say her name or where she writes, because, frankly, I didn’t ask her permission to do so, but she told me, “I talked to my Dr. about my anxiety and he told me that I need to get more sleep to better control it.”
Like her, I already know that’s impossible. The kids need me. My blog needs me. My family needs me. My friends need me. I’m ALREADY feeling like there’s not enough time in the day and, now, in order to feel less stressed, I need to sleep more?
It can’t be.
Either way, I’m facing another two months of insane schedules. We have events, deadlines, Tee Ball, and new contracts to be fulfilled. It’s going to be taxing on me, physically and emotionally, especially during long trips away from my kids and husband.
But here’s me and here’s my post saying:
I suffer from anxiety. I’m going to try my hardest to get a handle on it and I hope I can have your support. I hope you don’t see me as weak or weird.. just a Mom who is struggling at the thought of working hard and having nothing to show for it… a woman who feels the sacrifices she’s making will be worth it and a little girl who sits in the quiet of her room when the kids leave for school, praying for God to settle the anxiety in my heart with peace.
I know it’s a “Dear Diary” moment, but I felt like I needed to put it out there for a variety of reasons. There are some pretty big things happening in my blogging life. Within a few weeks, I’ve gained an insane amount of amazing opportunities. I’m telling you my struggles because, I don’t want any of you to see my posts, my Tweets, and my Facebook statuses and think I have it all together.
Because I don’t.
What you see online is but a fraction of what my WHOLE life really is. The truth of it all is that outsiders only see the blog stuff, the brand stuff, the fun stuff. Most of you don’t see:
- My chaotic schedule.
- The mountains of laundry.
- My kids faces when I have to leave on a trip.
- The dark circles under my eyes.
- My messy and unorganized desk.
- The way I pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I’m real. My life isn’t perfect. My life isn’t glamorous. I just happen to have created a job that I love waking up to, a job that can be glamorous at times, and a job that makes it LOOK like I have it all.
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