This morning, I sit here listening to the humming of my laptop. I’ve bundled up my kids and sent them off for Valentine’s fun at school. I’ve had two cups of coffee and I may or may not have had a leftover cupcake from the Sprinkles Blogger Event last night (more to come on that real soon). Today, I’ve started my day with complete and utter ease and calmness.
I would call it a good day, but it’s only 7:30am and we, ALL, know that things change quickly, especially with kids. I wake up with a full list of things to cross off on my to-do list, including posts, replying to emails, uploading pictures, and finishing up a few writing projects and pitches. Then, I realized today I’ve hit a milestone in blogging. Today is my 1000th post. I would not let my 1000th post be about any particular company, product, or campaign. Oh, no my 1000th post is authentically a representation of how far I’ve come in the last three years. It’s a milestone of my future and, today, I embrace it fully.
Except. I wake up with anxiety.
Except. I’m in disbelief I’ve been blogging this long.
Except. All I want to do is go back to sleep, but I won’t because sleep is for the weak.
Except. I want to go shopping and have lunch with my dear friend Gloria, because I suck at being friends and I have to try harder.
Except. I’ve been busy as hell all week long and I, often times, wonder why I think I’m Super Woman and WHY I feel like I can do better than I’m already doing. It’s exhausting.
Except. All that is consuming my mind is how I can change the way I operate with all aspects of my life.
Except. I wonder if I’m real. You know. Like really real. Like. You see me and it’s all of me and you’re okay with that because it’s real.
Except. All that is going around me is exciting me, yet scaring the crap out of me all at the same time.
Except. I look at my calendar and it feels like my stomach is stuck in my throat.
Except. I wonder why I can’t just sit. Sit in silence. Relax and do nothing.
Except. I can’t stop thinking about the conversation I had with my friend Kevin yesterday. It went a little something like:
Me: Why do you talk to me like that?
Kevin: You act like I’ve just insulted you!
Me: Kevin, here’s the thing. If all those people you say I’ve inspired actually exist and they saw my REAL heart, all the things I’ve done, all the things I’ve THOUGHT of doing, all the things I think about, all the things I say, secretly, to myself, they wouldn’t be inspired. They’d hate me.
Kevin: Don’t you see. We all struggle with that. We ALL have that secret self we don’t want anyone to see, but we tame it. We nurture it. We work through our faith. You are inspiring Sara. You’re human.
Of course, this is all paraphrase because our 2 hour conversation is WAY to long for this blog post, but I had to talk about it. I had to talk about it’s consumption in my brain. We are all human. We all have similar struggles at one point in our lives, but we move forward. We nurture our heart. We nurture our thoughts. We grow our faith.
Just like this blog.
I’ve nurtured it from day one. I’ve loved it, then hated it. I’ve balanced it eloquently and not so eloquently. I’ve poured my heart into it some days and forgotten it the next. It shows the real me, but it also shows only the part I want all of you to see. It’s a spiral of places I’ve been in my life and sometimes I’m afraid if you see anything different, you’ll hate me. You’ll judge me. You’ll ridicule me and, well…. hurt me.
Today is my milestone post. There is no fancy giveaway. There is no celebration. There is no inspiring post or recollection of where I’ve been or where I want to go or how many bloggers encouraged me along the way or how many bloggers stomped on me as they blindly raced forward. No. This is my milestone. This is me. All of me. I’m real. I make mistakes. I get tired. Today, it’s my 1000th mile and after any kind of marathon. I want to rest with all of you, embrace my authenticity, and show you the real me.
All of me.
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