I’ve gotta say. My new church gets the wheels turning in my head more than any other church I’ve been to. So, there is a new launch of a website… Idoubtgod.com. Join the discussion. Post your doubts. Read others doubts. They will then take the discussion out of cyberspace and into the church on Easter Sunday. I can’t wait!
I want to post in this discussion soon, but as I go through any and all my doubts in my head…….. I start feeling guilty. I know, in my SOUL, there is a God. I know He is loving. I know He is all knowing. I know he is more than anyone can possibly fathom or understand. How do I know? I can’t explain it. He’s in me.
I can’t write this blog without telling my story. I won’t start at the beginning, but fast forward to Nov. 2004. We move to Memphis, TN. We leave our family, our friends, our hometown. The first two years were miserable. I cried all the time. Brian was at work all the time. We had one vehicle so getting out was impossible for the kids and I. The last year I was there I finally “got it”. My faith was at an all time high. I established a wonderful circle of Christian Momma friends. I found an AWESOME life saving church. I happen to have the best neighbors in the world. I just gave birth to a sweet baby boy in Feb. and my husbnd was establishing his career with his company. I thought, “life is good”
One day my husband calls me and says, “I need you to start praying. We might be moving to Charlotte, NC.” I pulled from my overflowing faith and said, “I’ll support you in any decision you make.” All the while, my heart was pounding and my eyes were swelling up with tears. As I hung up the phone, I called my neighbor and best friend and asked her to pray for us… To pray Brian makes a decision that only God can lead him to.
October 2007 we’re here in a new city. We, again, have no friends. No family. No church home. No barings. The only difference in this move and the move to Memphis is… I have my bag of overflowing faith in God. He is with us and we won’t start off the way we did back then! NO WAY! God had a different plan.
Brian is slowing drifting from me. He’s traveling more than he’s home. He barely talks to me. He never touches me. He’s up all night “working”. I’m up early with the kids. I find out he is seeing someone else. I find out he’s seen other women as well. I am soo broken! What is God doing to me?! I was so faithful to Him. What did I do wrong? Is He mad at me? What does He want me to learn from this?
I feel like I was yanked out of my spiritual home to see if I could stand on my own. A friend of mine told me, “maybe God moved you so far away so it could just be you and Him.. alone.” I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. I read my Bible looking for answers to no avail. I was pushed into the arms of another man by my anger, resentment, and downright need to feel loved and wanted. Is it an excuse? Brian did it that means I should and could as well?! No. I started thinking “is my faith the real deal? Or was I riding on the coats of my friends?” I mean, was it all an act to fit in? Surely, no, but…..why couldn’t my faith keep me strong through my marital problems?
Brian and I decided we’d stay together and work through this,but as the details of his infidelity haunt me… I started drinking heavily. I started making myself throw up. I hated myself so much that I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. Brian didn’t want me and I couldn’t understand it. I finally left. A friend of mine in TX told me this, “..sometimes people use their religion or faith to keep themselves in bad situations longer than then they need to.” That hit me and I started thinking that I should have left him a LONG time ago with the way I’m being treated! I doubted God’s plan for me. I doubted the man he picked for me to marry.
I couldn’t put together biblical reason for a divorce. I love Brian. I know deep in his heart loves me. I know God chose THIS MARRIAGE. So, yes I DID use my faith to keep me in a bad situation. I used my faith to keep me in this marriage, that i feel, God is going to bless in the long run. He is building us up again and it’s all for His Glory.
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