I’ve been through an exhausting few days physically (lack of sleep) and emotionally (with my son). We went to the Peditricians office yesterday for a mere check up. We left there with more than I wanted. Zach left there feeling angry at me and plainly frustrated with me for making him go. I left there feeling stressed, scared,confused, and a bit helpless.
I won’t go into many details, but the Dr. has diagnosed Zach with OCD. We don’t know the extent or degree of his, but a phycologist is our next step. I, don’t know much about the disorder, so after I got home I couldn’t even explain to friends or Brian about what had just happened and mysteriously couldn’t remember the conversation I had with the Dr. I was on overload. My mind dumped it all out to make room for my worry.
Saturday morning, as I caught up on emails and coffee Zach fell and bumped his chin on something sharp in his room. His chin gushed blood and his mouth was full of it due to biting his tongue. He wouldn’t let me look at it or touch it. He actually pushed me away, much like he did at the Dr.’s office. He ran from me, much like he did at the DR.’s office. Attempt after attempt, I couldn’t get him to trust me enough to come close to him.. to ease his pain. I sat on the kitchen floor with him, in tears asking him to trust me. “I am your mother and I’ll always take care of you, but you have to let me. You have to trust me son” It occured to me that he DOES trust me on small issues, making his meals when he is hungry, being at the end of the driveway when he gets off the bus, packing his lunch and remembering to put his library book in his backpack when it’s due. He DOES trust me, but he doesn’t trust me when he thinks he is or will be in pain. He’d rather take it into his own hands to MAKE SURE he doesn’t hurt anymore.
When he wouldn’t let me look at his gash I was overwhelmed with emotions. I begged him and cried with him.. “Please I NEED to take care of you right now.. let me. You can’t get through this without me.” I was angry with him for not trusting me, I was frustrated, I was sad, I was scared, I was worried. It hit me right then that is how God feels with me. I put my Faith in Him and Trust Him………….. with the little things. If I’m in pain or anguish I take it into my own hands, when in reality that is when I should hand it to Him.. lay it down at the feet of the cross. I must infuriate Him when I push Him away everytime He draws near to me to easy MY pain. I hate knowing God would feel the way I do with Zach. He is my child and I love him and NEVER want to see him hurt. Repeat this with me Sara, “I am His child and He loves me and NEVER wants to se me hurt.”
How should I expect my 5 year old to deeply trust me when I can’t be an example of HOW to trust. He needs to see me trust the Lord with my pains, my suffering, my fear. After much coaxing, he let me in. He let me clean the blood off his neck and shoulders. He let me look at the wound and patch it up. I saw the comfort he had as he held me and the tears stopped. I saw how relieved he was after he knew he would be okay. I can feel that too. I can feel that amazing comfort from the Lord ONCE I trust him with EVERYTHING, even the pain
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