This is my first post as I attempt to put my thoughts and prayers into words… words of my life. I don’t know where to start except to describe how I feel right now. So much has happened in the last month, but I don’t feel led to talk about the details. I feel led to talk about what, I feel, God is telling me.
As I drove down my street in Memphis for the very last time I knew it would be hard. I felt it would be difficult. I couldn’t really describe WHY it would be. I thought it was me leaving my friends and Church. Little did I know that God would soon reveal the difficulties to me. Little did I know that God had prepared my heart for the next few months which I keep calling, “God Boot Camp.” He knows I have the Faith, but he wants to see my heart in action. He wants me to use the gifts he’s given me while I was in Memphis. He wants me to come to Him for EVERYTHING. He wants me to surrender EVERYTHING to him. It would take my world crashing down in order for me to do that. I would have to be broken in order to be rebuilt as the Godly Woman he wants me to be.
I keep thinking of Brian’s favorite Bible Story about Job. Everything was taken away from him, but his Faith never wavered. He brought EVERYTHING to the Lord. What did I do when one part of my life was taken? I cried. I complained. I blamed. I went running to anothers ear hoping compliments and flattery would make me feel better. He told me again, “Child, come to Me. I can make you whole.” I claimed I would do that, but every time something else came up I’d wallow in my own misery. I’d cry and run. I’d run in the opposite direction he intended.
My two oldest children are sick. I broke down and took them to the Pediatrician. They have Bronchitis & Pneumonia. I panicked. I cried. I complained. Selfishly, I called a dear friend of mine to ask for prayer. As I went back into the house, I cried and fell to my knees b/c I didn’t’ hesitate to call this friend and ask her for prayer, but I hadn’t even done it myself! I cried. I panicked. I worried in Sara style. I find myself apologizing over and over again, b/c my instinct is to run to others. My instinct is to complain, cry, & worry. There’s no need for it. All He wants me to do is bring it to Him. Lay down all my worries to Him at the foot of the cross. Ask Him for help. Ask Him to heal my broken family. Ask Him to look into my heart and make it whole.
Lord, I love you.
I ask you to forgive my selfishness.
I ask you to forgive my instinct to run away.
I ask you to forgive my sins that should have never been.
I can’t do this w/o you.
I need You. I need you to make me Whole
Search my heart, reveal to me that my Faith is, indeed, Real and it’s all I need.
I praise you today for blessing me so
Those are only a few of the blessings you’ve given me
I find it so hard this last month
I find my heart aching
I find me wanting to cling to You
I find myself wanting to curl up in your lap, Lord.
I know comfort & security will be there
I know You will heal me
Lord, I ask you to heal this family
Lord, I ask you to heal our marriage
Lord, I ask you to heal my children
I will come to you with my needs
I will come to you with my sorrows
I will come to you with everything, Lord.
Show me how to be a disciple for you so others can see Christ through me. Amen.
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